*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
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If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?