A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
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Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”