Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
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Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
when someone compliments me
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
nyc:
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
*performs CPR on the turkey*