Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
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I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets