I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
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hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.