It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
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I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.