I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
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Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE