I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
You Might Also Like
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
This is my cat’s medicine.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL