My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
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“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.