Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
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I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Sing it!
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..