me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
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Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted