When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
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[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online