She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
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“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.