*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
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*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.