Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
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My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.