Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
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Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.