I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
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Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.