I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
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I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same