During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
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I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.