[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
You Might Also Like
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.