Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
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[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Oh deer
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it