Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
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Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Life cycle of cat
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say