The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
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her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.