gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
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Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.