I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad