*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
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[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Me, flirting😏
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.