Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
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All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.