My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
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[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
being a writer on Twitter:
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
dutch is not a serious language
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.