Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
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“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Social Media and Real life
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.