Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
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I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*