Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
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Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds