On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
You Might Also Like
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next