The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
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Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.