What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
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Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.