stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
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“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Seek kebab; not attention
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen