I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
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Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Autocarrot sucks!
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.