The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
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I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?