[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
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Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
me refusing to leave twitter
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
When the stylist spins you back around
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.