Quadruple digit IQ
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When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”