I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
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*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom