I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
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Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.