The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
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Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
this is me
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.