This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
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Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.