[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
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*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
#NeverForget
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
こいつ天才
Netflix: We have Less
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!