My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
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You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair