Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
You Might Also Like
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
twitter is a journey
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers