i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
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[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat