*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
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My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice