Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
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Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Monday
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.