You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
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HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
#parenting
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
yeah 😭
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
From Facebook just now…
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*